Distractions

When you are a child and you live in a world of chaos, fear and dysfunction, you create a world for yourself, just so that you can survive. If you are a person who was born with a temperament that caused you to be shy, fearful or awkward, you may have needed to find some place that you could go, to be free from the burden of the constant distress that danced within yourself.

I, a recovering alcoholic, sober 15 years, was asked the question one day, when was the first time I got “hooked”? People with addictions seemed to be able to remember the time when it clicked, “Yes, this is it. This is what I need to make me happy!”

I was confused though. I remember no such moment.

I really took my time and thought about me as having an addictive personality and how that all came about.
As I thought about it, it came to me pretty easily.
I always kind of knew that alcohol was not my primary addiction. While it was hard to let go of it and never being able to drink even socially again at age 27 made me feel like quite the alien, I just knew that it wasn’t “the one”.
No, my real addiction was relationships.
I would say I got my first “high” around 4 or 5 years old.
While the actual story is vague, I remember there being a babysitter’s boyfriend that I thought was the greatest thing in the world. His name was Tommy.
Tommy did it for me. He had very short dark hard, dark eyes and a deep voice. When Tommy was over the house, he gave me all sorts of attention, he made me laugh and I believed I was the most special little girl in the world when he was around.
Then, the next memory is more visceral because - there is nothing to remember.
One day, he was just gone. I would ask when he was coming back, but because he was in the Army no one could answer as to when. Of course as a little girl, I didn’t get that. I only knew he was gone and I wanted him back.

I feel like I have spent the rest of my life trying to find “Tommy”. He was my escape from what ever discomfort I was feeling at the time. If I were to feel sad or lonely or alone, I could think about him and believe that he was there for me, I just needed to find him again one day and all would be well.

This was all an illusion of course. Tommy did exist, but I don’t think he played that much of a role in my life.

That part is irrelevant though. How we get hooked or what we get hooked on doesn’t have to start with some great trauma or be something that people write about in memoirs.
Many times when I talk to clients that have addictive personalities and are aware that they do, they cannot retrace the steps to how it all began.

I challenge anyone who does believe them self to have an addictive personality, to sit with it and try to retrace back to when you believe it began. It could end up being an amazing personal journey.

Addictions are simply distractions. Our unconscious belief is, “If I could go into a world that is filled with something better then this one, then I strive to continue to repeat the visits to that world”.

So when I say I got my first high, it had nothing to do with drugs or alcohol.

Addictions are our distractions, they take us away from what is uncomfortable.

The role of distraction has played a part in my life from that time in my life through today. My distractions just look different today, but they are still there and it is often a struggle to keep them at bay and get focused and centered enough to be in the moment.

The goal is to eliminate these distractions all together, but generally, in the process of doing that we begin by eliminating the biggest and most personally damaging ones first. Then you continue to work on whatever comes up next as addictions usually change hats over the course of time. As we let go of one, we pick up another. The hope is that, if we continue to do our personal growth work, the next hat is less destructive and injurious to ourselves.

Here is a list of different distractions:

Eating: So much is centered around food. Some eat too little and are consumed with being thin. Some eat too much and are trying to stuff pain and emotion or are trying to hide behind their own weight.

Obsessive exercise: The philosophy is, “if I look good, then I will feel good”.

Drugs & Alcohol: This goes with out saying. The tricky part is understanding that there is a fine line between a true justification of “just drinking only in social situations”, or “only drinking fine wine in nice glasses”, or “having only one black out a year”, and when is it in fact problematic and being used as a distraction.

Relationships: When are they healthy and loving and reciprocal and when are they what we obsess over most, forgetting that there is a whole lot more in life that we forget to experience, because we need to be with that person. Or people. This could be significant other relationships or this could be relationships with friends, or maybe even relationships through blogs and the internet.

Children: Very convenient distraction. Our children need us, we have to obsess over the sneezes and the grades and the bad days, how else will they feel loved and grow up to be happy adults?

Work: Societal support galore. A hard worker is often admired and put on a pedestal. This is a very easy distraction to get lost in especially if you are the bread winner of the family. We have very valid reasons why we can’t be available to the family or a spouse if we want to pay the bills on time.

Shopping/Getting something new: We believe that we are as good as what we own. “I am a happier if I look good in new clothes”. “I feel better about myself if I drive a nice car”.

The list is endless and I know that I have not covered them all. Anyone who has additional ones to add can share it in the comment section if you would like. Please feel free to make yourself anonymous our use your initials only.

In order to move forward, grow personally, let go of old baggage, we have to learn how to slow down, let go of the distractions, and be with ourselves.

* Only when we can be still in our minds can we ask ourselves important questions like: What matters to me?, What do I want from life?, and Am I happy?.

* Only when we know the answers to these questions can we then set boundaries.

* Only when we truly know who we are and can set boundaries, can we be intimate with another.

It comes around full circle. If we continue to live with our distractions, we may know happiness for the moment, but will always seem to have this underlying unsettled feeling that something isn’t quite right.


If we learn to slow down, be with ourselves and do some soul searching for the answers to some of these questions, then maybe we can start to live a happier more fulfilled life.